I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
