So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
