i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
