How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
