I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
