How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
