I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
