So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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