Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
