those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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