Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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