yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
areolas are like halos for boobs.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
