im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
