Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
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