he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
