I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Randomize
