i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
