Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
