Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
