u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
