so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
