She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
FUCK WHALES
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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