According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
