Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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