You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
