Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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