i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
