I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
