I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
You left your phone here
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