Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
