i was born a porn star she said
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Just high enough for therapy.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
