you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
