I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
