ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
