god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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