If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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