I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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