I wannas sexs uuuuu
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
