If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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