My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
