And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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