I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
