the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
