Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
