If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
