Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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