member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
