my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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