I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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