If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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