she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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