Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
