Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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