well I can't set my house on fire every night
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
