You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
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Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
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The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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