For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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