You're so nebulous sometimes
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
My ass is underappreciated
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Randomize
